Lately I’ve been struck at the effect of “seeing” people.
Scene 1:
I’m at the gym. It’s busy (it is January, after all). Instead of asking the desk person “How’s it going” I led with, “You surviving this crazy New Year rush?”
Instantly, she felt “seen.” I had recognized she was super busy, and even though I was in no position to help her necessarily (and in fact was there to add to her work), just me noticing her plight made her feel seen and validated; she lit up in a way she hadn’t with the person who had gone just before me.
Scene 2:
I’m at the Blazers game. Our security guard is new, and he asks to see our tickets. We show him, and he sheepishly half-apologizes for bothering us.
The next game, I went up to him and hit him with a, “Hey, I’m Josh–thanks for making sure our tickets were legit and taking care of our section.”
He immediately opened up, explained he was new, asked how long we’d been ticketholders, and has generally been super happy to see me anytime we show up to a game. He’s gone out of his way to make sure I (and any of my friends at the game) are taken care of, going out of his way to offer to move us to better seats when there’s a rowdy/annoying person behind us, etc.
Additional thoughts:
My goal isn’t necessarily to “get things” from random service workers, but rather I am using my interactions with them to practice being observant, trying to “see” people, and let them know they’re important. It’s free for me to smile, to thank them, to notice them, and maybe it makes their day. That act of “being seen” reinforces people believing they matter and all of a sudden there’s a belonging that you’re a part of–you’ve validated that person belongs where they are.
Additional reading:
I’m currently reading through “Never Split the Difference” by Chris Voss, former FBI hostage negotiator, for a second time. A lot of the motivation for this post comes from him. He’s got a short YouTube video or a solid Instagram page if you want to see what I’m talking about.
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